Uncertainty reigns

Can't sleep; I'm thinking of you
And the sheer mass messes I've made
Though what honestly surprised me most was
For once
I didnt drag you down.
For once,
You jumped in and saved me.
And I'm too proud to say thank-you.

When I was so sure you'd walk away
You choose to stick around
Come wade through all my sticky uncertainty;
I won't even cling to you
I wouldn't beg for you to stay
I'd only just given up hope
When you threw me a life-line (and a nice, clean towel)
And I'm too arrogant to admit how much I needed it.

I can't find a way to tell you
Just how much I care -
I dusted off my thesaurus
But it's failing me for words.
And its tearing me up inside to know that
No matter how much I love you,
While I'm only tearing out all the pages
I can't seem to stop hurting you.
And I'm too shocked to accept it as truth.

I'm really and truly sorry
And I'm trying so hard to make it right.
I'm still recovering from what I heard without hearing,
(I can see you through my tongue)
And I'm too much of a coward to ask for clarification.

And,
Just so you know,
I'm far too proud to say thank-you.

But you'll know that
I mean it anyway